Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I need this for my side hustle.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.