Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.