When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code