Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.