A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.