Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
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I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.