When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…