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I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Thank you corporation very cool
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Yep.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that