Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Doctors texting each other.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…