There are no pants in heaven.
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.