[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons