When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
You Might Also Like
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it