Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m giving up for Lent.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I have many caverns
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated