I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today