Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*