Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right