Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.