[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.