It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
just witnessed a drug deal
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first