Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
You Might Also Like
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.