His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
See..?
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.