5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Is….Is this an option?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains