the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened