I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.