interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room