[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.