interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
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Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My therapist after every session
I was bored.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.