ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Van Gone
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
need a new bf mines broken 😐
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.