My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
You Might Also Like
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
The news in a nutshell.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.