I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.