Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
HELP 😭
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings