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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
birds and squirrels envy us
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.