this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.