ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
one of
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?