Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
dictator is short for richard potato
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?