i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
You Might Also Like
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣