People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
We found love in a hopeless place.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.