My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
You learn something every day
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?