Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Doctors texting each other.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.