I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
wait.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.