starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
i- i did not expect this
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?