Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I was just discussing this with my cat
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
This sounds bad:
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When someone trying to leave me