If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
You Might Also Like
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.