Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’