Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
peep davidson
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.