I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic