[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Finished stitching this today 😇
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.