I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.