thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards