*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!